About Anger
I should „work on my anger issues“, they said when I was a child. After I again retreated in the chamber at the side of our class room because everything was just too much. I should „work on my temper“, I was told after I had to endure one of the harassments of the school bullies again. Because „there‘re always two sides to the conflict“.
I grew up in a society I didn‘t understand. With its countless rules, that were like this „just because“. Where Othering was the consequence of not obeying and questioning was heavily discouraged.
I‘ve always been somehow „different“. At least this part they noticed. Enough at least for an „ADHD“ diagnosis. Then they knew what was „broken“ about myself – my „attention deficit“ and the „hyperactivity“ – yey, there‘s medication that was supposed to make me more „normal“. Oh, the „temper tantrums“ were still there? Guess I have to continue working on my „anger issues“ then.
Most importantly, I should obey their imagination of how to live. However, I‘ve never been somewhat decent at this. Too restrictive for myself – being locked in the dreariness being religiously worshipped as „Normality“.
„You should go to parties, then you‘d get to know some people!“
„How about finally getting a girlfriend?“
„It‘s kinda unusual not loving driving a car as a ‚men‘“.
„You should go outside more often instead of sitting in front of the computer all day“
„Don‘t be like that!“
I grew up in a society which didn‘t understand me. That never had to understand me because I‘m in the minority. „Just be yourself, but not like that!“
Hermeneutical Injustice is the term for when people are not able to understand their own experiences or to make others understand them. If they lack proper words and others don‘t believe them.
That there are words for this, I only learned much later.
That I‘m nonbinary and why I don‘t care about all this „manly men“ stuff, I only learned much later.
That I‘m autistic and that meltdowns are caused by an overload of the brain, not by „temper“, I only learned much later.
That my kinks are completely okay and how to communicate them and that I don‘t have to hide myself for my entire life, I only learned much later.
That I want to live polyamouous, that there is the Double Empathy problem and I‘m in fact not socially incapable, I only learned much later.
Today I know that there are words for this. Today I know, that I‘m neuroqueer and that cishetero-monogamous-vanilla-Normativity does not work for myself, no matter how much gaslighting I endure over decades.
What if I knew all those words 20 years ago already? What if concepts of alternative relationship models, consent and the existence of kink would have been taught and speaking already early on about it being normalized? What if every human would have the chance to learn about their own neurotype and get access to neuroaffirmative resources and support?
Unfortunately, reality hits different.
Reality is, that a diagnosis was named after an NS-murderer for decades – oh and of course, the ICD-10 still remains in use widely.
Reality is, that an autism „therapy“ is still advertised which has the same roots as conversion „therapy“ for homosexuality.
Reality is, that they call being neurodivergent it a „trend“. Just like left-handedness being a „trend“ long ago.
Reality is that Autistics are still seen as broken Allistics. They call us „people with autism“ and „people that suffer from autism“. As if autism was a separate thing from us. As if there was an allistic person hiding under the „horrendrous autism“ that they‘d like to „cure“. I don‘t want to be neurotypical, I want to be myself. Just imagine they‘d talk about „people with homosexuality“. About „people suffering from queerness“.
Reality is, that many are taken even less seriously if not officially diagnosed, ideally by an Allistic doctor. They don‘t care that self-identication is pretty accurate when it comes to autism and that most people research a damn lot about this.
Reality is, that it is extremely difficult to get diagnosed as an adult. Brutally conservative autism ambulances with years of waiting time are often the only option. It‘s especially difficult in Saxony – the autism ambulance at the Uniklinik does not take any adults on their waiting list anymore.
Reality is, that professionals often have absolutely no clue about neurodivergence. Privileges, arrogance, old myths. There‘s not a single week I do not hear horror stories: „ADHD? That cannot be, because you‘re studying“, „Autism? Nah, you made eye contact with me“, or my all-time favourite: „You cannot be autistic, you‘re attractive“.
Being perceived female, plus trauma? Here‘s your borderline diagnosis!
Reality is, that many organizations had to sign a joint statement to the new US government to emphasize that vaccines do not cause autism. That in Great Britain, they plan that every trans child should get tested for Autism in order to take away their right for self-determination.
An US health minister who wants to introduce a central registry to research „the true cause of autism“ in order to „fight autism“. It‘s already known for long that neurotypes such as autism are mainly genetic. You can probably conclude in which direction this will lead.
Reality is that public nazi salutes from Elon Musk are being portrayed by German media as „clumsy gesture of an autistic man“. As if Autistics did not know what a nazi salute is. BULL. SHIT.
I‘m angry. At the arrogance and ignorance that we neuroqueers face. I‘m angry that people are being judged by how well they „function“ for a normative society – and that they‘d love to get rid of people they do not consider „functioning“ well enough. That they want to destroy all the progress made so far, taking the newly found words away again and bring us fascist suppression instead. I am angry that so many people are still completely lost in their collective normative trance and do not see what is happening right in front of our eyes.
Anti-fascist queerfeminism also has to be neuroqueer.
I should work on my anger? Of course. But definitely not as you imagined.
Alerta, alerta, antifascista!